Hi wonderful readers!
At some point in each of our lives, I’m sure we’ve met someone who we believed was going to be in our life forever. Then we start growing up and growing older and realize that might not actually be the case. For me, outgrowing friendships is one of the hardest truths I’ve had to come to terms with and that I’m honestly still coming to terms with. I’m a person that loves creating deep connections with people because it makes the friendships I have so meaningful. I would also say I tend to be an idealistic person.
Especially in my late years of high school and early years of college, I thought my closest friends at the time were going to be my future bridesmaids and besties ’til the end of time. When those friendships eventually started to fizzle out, I was devastated, started to get in my head, and wondered if I was the reason why it didn’t work out. Over time, I’ve slowly learned that ourgrowing friendships is completely okay and normal, especially when you’re in your late teens to early 20s. In today’s blog post, I wanted to talk about the signs that I was outgrowing these friendships and things that I’ve done that have helped me deal with the tough emotions that come with it.
How I Knew I Was Outgrowing a Friendship
Started to have different values
This one was one of the hardest things I had to realize. I feel like I’ve changed drastically from the person I was when I was in high school and college. My priorities were different, and I certainly was not as mature as I thought I was. When I looked at my friends from these times, I realized that we were no longer on the same page on a lot of life values.
The main thing we were no longer seeing eye-to-eye on was romantic relationships. As we grew older, more of us were starting to date and have more serious relationships. This meant less time was being spent with each other and more time was being spent building potential futures with our significant others. I personally don’t see myself getting married until my late 20s, so it was hard to see people close to me starting to prioritize their romantic relationships so early on in our lives. I feel like a common hardship that comes with all of this is when you also don’t like their significant other. Not only are you losing someone you were once close with, but there’s that added frustration when you’re not a fan of who they’re choosing to prioritize.
I didn’t understand at first because I had always been a type of person that wanted to spend as much as my 20s with my girls and just figuring life out before eventually settling down with my significant other and building that life with him. After going to hell and back to try to understand why someone would settle down so early in their 20s, I learned that it wasn’t my job to understand the path other people want to go down. As much as it hurt to let go of some these friendships, I realized that all that matters at the end of the day is that they’re happy, and it really is their life to live.
Honestly, this mentality applies to so many aspects of outgrowing friendships. Outside of differences in how we approached romantic relationships, my friends were valid to prioritize whatever it is that makes them happy. It, of course, hurts when you no longer have a place in each others lives, but I think this is such an integral part of growing up and shaping who you are.
It was harder to reach out
This one applies more towards my long distance friendships. When it was time for college, the majority of us parted ways and went to different schools. We were living completely separate lives with new people and experiences. It was only natural that we started to drift apart. We had drastically different schedules and some were even in different time zones. As much as we tried to stay in touch over the years, it was harder to plan FaceTimes and meet ups in our hometown. We were simply growing up, so I can’t say I have any animosity towards these people that once were my ride or dies. I’ll still stay in touch over text here and there, but I’ve grown peace with the idea that we are just living our own lives.
We were simply different people
This realization honestly was hard in its own way because sometimes it takes a while to see. This might not necessarily go under the category of “outgrowing” a friendship naturally. It’s more so outgrowing a friendship that truly was meant to be in your life for a chapter rather than a lifetime. I had a friend in college that I had very little in common with. I had good memories with her, but I feel like we never got to a point where we developed a deep connection with each other the way I have with some of my long-term friends.
She was not inherently a bad person by any means, but we had pretty different upbringings and some bad moments that I felt like I couldn’t really move on from. We got along just fine on a surface level basis, but I realized that we were just not each other’s person. That’s completely okay! I still have love for this person, but I think we both realized that there are people out there that suit our friendship needs better.
Friendship expectations were no longer being reciprocated
Speaking of meeting friendship needs, this realization is something I’ve actually been dealing with quite recently. I started drifting away from one of my good friends, and I think a big part of it is that our expectations of friendship are no longer the same. We were close throughout college, but now that we’ve graduated and are in our respective careers, we are no longer support systems for each other. I feel like this is important to mention because when we were students, we had a lot more things in common. We lived in this bubble of college where we would bond over staying up to study, going to parties, dealing with boy issues, and pretty much any other typical college student issues.
Now, that we’re a bit older, I realized that our careers also have an impact on our needs outside of work. She started gravitating towards other people that were in her same field because they had an understanding of it that I did not. She always complained her job, and our friendship ended up feeling draining rather than fulfilling. A lot of our time together would be her venting about her job on top of other aspects of her life.
Don’t take me wrong. I am all ears for whoever needs to talk about tough things going on in their life because it’s important to have that support system. However, I knew I wasn’t able to provide her with the validation that her other friends in the same profession could and vice versa.
How I Coped with These Feelings
Show compassion and understanding
I totally understand how hard it is to show compassion and understanding when you’re essentially dealing with the 5 stages of grief of losing a friend (even harder when you’re in the anger stage). However, the great part about being in your 20’s is that you are always learning! It is really discouraging when you believe that certain people are going to be in your life forever, but it ends up taking a turn.
It’s hard not to take it personally when you outgrow friendships. I feel like we share so many memories with the friends in our lives during this time because we are growing up together. However, I got a really rude awakening when I realized that we are all simply on different timelines of growth. We all come from different backgrounds and life experiences. It’s silly to believe that we are going to be learning the same lessons at the same times. I also am so far from being perfect. I make mistakes all the time. This helps me not feel that lingering bitterness after a friendship is outgrown because at the end of the day, we are all trying our best. We are young and have so much to learn, and we deserve to give ourselves and the people in our lives some grace.
Focus on friendships that are bringing you joy
Another thing I’ll do is simply focus on the fruitful and energizing friendships in my life. I value those low maintenance types of friendships where we can sit on the couch for hours in silence and be having the best time. Some of my best friends are long distance, but when we see each other, it feels like not a moment has gone by since we last saw each other. I also love my friendships where we can talk for hours about anything and everything. I learned to be more grateful for the quality friendships because it’s important to surround yourself with people that make you feel energized and appreciated.
Value your alone time
Sometimes, outgrowing a friendship is a nice mental reset for yourself. It gives me time to reflect on what qualities in a friendship are truly important to me, which helps me to be more intentional with my future friendships. Plus, it’s always good to take some time to take care of yourself. I like to go on solo dates or do hobbies I’ve been wanting to try out. At the end of the day, the person you spend the most time with is yourself. I learned that no other person is going to provide you with that happiness and feeling of fulfillment if you don’t know how to provide it to yourself first.
Journaling/Therapy
The last thing that helps me cope with these tough emotions is journaling or talking to my therapist. Sometimes, you just need to talk it out. I’ll write out what I’m feeling because it helps provide a little more clarity to the situation when I can see those thoughts in physical form. Talking to a therapist is also great because they are able to provide a more unbiased opinion on whatever you might be going through. Journaling and talking to a therapist have helped me be so much more level-headed when I approach difficult situations or conversations with some of my friends.
And that brings us to the end of this post! Being in your 20’s is a scary time. We are making so many choices for ourselves every day, and we are just hoping we’re making the right ones. Just because you no longer see eye-to-eye with someone or you have different priorities in life, doesn’t necessarily make either one of you a bad person. It just means that person was meant to only be in your life for a season, even if you thought differently in the beginning.
Outgrowing a friendship doesn’t always have to be a loss. As heartbreaking as it can be, I feel like it helps me appreciate the good times I’ve shared with those friends and appreciate the lessons I’ve learned from the not so good times. There is so much to learn at this age, and navigating how to outgrow friendships is one I am still learning more about!
I hope you found something on this post that resonates with you. Thank you for letting me share this experience with you, and I’ll see you on the next post <3
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